I'm lost and stupid without you.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
