I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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