Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
