someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize