I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
