I'm eating all of the evidence.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
