Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
