Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Randomize