i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
