I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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