My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
