The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
