My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
