Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
