How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
They took my balls.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
you made out with another girl for some wings
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
