I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
That accounts for only three of the penises
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
