I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
