I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
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