You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
