why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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