My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
