She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
