@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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