Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
