I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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