I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
