recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
