respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
