I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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