Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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