I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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