Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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