I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
