woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
