dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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