I cannot find my penis.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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