# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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