I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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