have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
