No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
