I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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