I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
