He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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