So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
It's no shave November. This is our time.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
