Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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