So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
