careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
