hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
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