Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
