how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
