i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
