got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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