Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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