Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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