just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
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