hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
