life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Randomize
