At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
